How to lose 5 lbs. in no time

I came across a major breakthrough in weight loss a while back when I was working intently with a “weight shift” life coach. (Who I would highly recommend, btw.)

After writing down and sending in each and every thing I ate for weeks, along with how hungry I was when I started eating and how hungry I was when I stopped, then answering a whole bunch of really hard questions about eating and emotions. . .I was pretty sure I had lost a few pounds.

I wasn’t exactly sure, because our scale is totally unreliable, and because I don’t get on scales much. I subscribe to Anne Lamott’s theory that getting on a scale is like asking Dick Cheney to grade your inner soul. And that diets make you fat and crazy 99% of the time.

These things never turn out well for you.  Or Dick Cheney, actually.

Anyhow, I digress. I was feeling a bit cocky, so I decided to try on some dress pants that had been unbearably tight a few weeks before. The pants and I had become mortal enemies because I had to unbutton them as I got in the car to drive home from work, now facing a long road of shame and ice cream cravings.

So I put on the offending pants as I got ready for work. . .and they were incredibly loose! I must have lost at least 5 pounds!

I did the touchdown dance and marveled at my success as I finished getting ready. Hey, this coaching thing really works!

And then, I got into my car to drive to work . .and noticed the secret to my success. Apparently, although I had zipped the pants, I hadn’t buttoned them. No WONDER they felt so loose.

When I buttoned them, they were only slightly uncomfortable, which I STILL counted as a major improvement!

Mindless dressing FTW!

That’s a stupid name for a blog.

Sorry if you thought this was a home-improvement blog. It’s really a self-improvement blog.

I know the name’s deceiving; I really tried to name it something gentle and spiritual to signify my quest to become truly zen and a fully-realized Ninja of Love.

But that just didn’t feel quite right. Almost like pantyhose—it looked nice, but kept cutting into my waist and ladybits.

So, instead, I named it after the phrase I usually shout in my head when I’ve encountered obstacles on my journey to accomplish something HUGE like getting CEOs to agree on a communication plan or installing a case on my cell phone.  I tend to try harder, push through, and attempt to bend circumstances to my will by pure force.

However, I usually end up tired and frustrated. Much like when I was seven, furious about a grave injustice. I would vow to teach my 11-year-old brother a lesson, and charge straight at him with all the force my tiny 90-pound body could muster. Regardless of my naïve enthusiasm, though, this stunt never ended in victory, but instead in him palming my head, holding me out at arm’s length as I pummeled the air.

Unfortunately, this stunt still doesn’t work. . .on CEOs, cell phones, or my brother. So I’m in search of another way.

Wanna join me? I can’t promise regular posts, but I can promise flailing, yelling, and the appearance of some Snarky Love Ninjas.

We may not find enlightenment, but if we find truly tasty, healthy, calorie-free chocolate, that will be enough for me.